Saturday, February 4, 2012

Tonight has been a tough night - I am sitting in a total funk.  My husband is annoying the crap out of me and so is the dog - she drinks her water too loud and he's just a prick!  It was pay day today and like with a lot of people these days, it just doesn't go far!  We paid all our bills - bought grub and because I wanted to send in for my passport this pay day, my husband says we just don't have enough money left! I'm like fuck that shit I quit smoking to save money to go see my beautiful grandchildren in Canada!!! Now I can send the paperwork in and pay the fee - but this will leave us pretty close to broke for the month. We have a full tank of gas, groceries, bills paid so I am telling myself we don't need much money for the rest of the month - but I hear his grumbling ass and the big sighs as he looks over the account.  I thought screw it, I'm gonna go get some smokes and fuck the trips - instead I ate spring rolls!!! FML!!!! 

OK so I made it through to the 24 hrs, I did so awesome I was so proud of myself. I wasn't bitchy or anything the pills must be helping me a lot more then I thought. We went out last night with some friends had appy's and drinks, all the people we were with are non smokers which made my want to have a smoke a lot easier, but for some odd reason we were sitting right beside the doors that take you to the smoking balcony outside, so every time some one would go in and out I would smell the cigarette smoke. Still resisted my temptation to lite up, when we got home and the baby-sitter left i got my daughter to sleep it was like a natural thing to grab a smoke and go outside. So I did, I lit that stupid smoke up and nearly puked! LOL someone told me that would happen on these pills out of nowhere a cigarette would taste gross to the point of making you want to vomit! THANK GOD!! because this morning was the first time I haven't wanted to light up, my most hardest time to resist. I feel like I won. That may seem strange as I cheated and I should be kicking my ass for smoking last night LOL but I feel more relief that I beat my worst craving, the one that I have the hardest time getting past!! Then I got on here and read my mothers blog about the lady that has lung disease and is still smoking, I get it too; I would probably not give a crap either if there was no fighting chance out of it, but it sure made me think that I don't ever want to be in that position. I watched my grandmother fight on her death bed for air from all the years of smoking and the crap that came out of her lungs that should have been enough for me to quit right then and there. Or when my best friend lost her dad to lung cancer, I knew this man, I knew him well, and to know that being diagnosed with three months to live, coughing blood while still puffing away all due from these stupid expensive death sticks. Enough is enough... Charlie was only 43 when he died, leaving 4 beautiful daughters behind a wife of 20 years and 5 grandchildren. I have to keep these people in mind when I want to have a smoke, I have to imagine myself being the one dying, and my daughter being left behind maybe that will help me. I sure hope so because I don't want to be the one sick later knowing it was preventable. Lets hope my struggle is finally over!! 

I have never been happier to hear you got sick Kristin.  I woke this morning (it'll be 2 weeks for me at 2 AM) and I was still annoyed - really want to smoke as I am depressed now - depressed and bitchy - watch out Gordy and Coco!!  I think I will clean out the fridge and crochet to keep myself busy - I have to make a quick trip to Safeway too - just wish I could shake this feeling.  Maybe driving isn't the best idea just yet - probably run someone over. Kristin you mentioned you were in the line of smoke last night - that is something I have not been tested with yet.  I have not been around anyone who smokes, haven't had to smell it or test myself in that way. Good for you to resist!! I'm proud of you!!

The smell yesterday as I past people out for my walk actually disgusted me, I didn't like it at all, I have had two run in's with people one which is a smoker, and the other who was just around smokers and they smelled like stale smoke, I have never liked that smell as a smoker so its even worse now. That help in a odd way, especially John being a non smoker all I can think is God poor guy having to kiss my gross dirty mouth and smell it on my clothes. Mom you can do it too, you can beat it. I'm going through the craving again, unfortunatley but here I am reading and writing reminding myself why I am doing this!! It's helping.

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